Self-Compassion
What is self-compassion?
You hear me talk about self-compassion a lot during therapy and may wonder what it is, and why it’s so important.
Self-compassion means responding to yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you would offer someone you care about. It’s recognizing that you're human, that you're doing the best you can with what you know right now, and that you deserve care even when you're struggling.
It does not mean letting yourself “off the hook", making excuses, or acting like you never do anything wrong. Self-compassion is the act of being with your suffering.
Many of us have an inner critic that believes shame, self-judgment, or perfectionism will motivate us to change. While that critical part is often trying to protect us in its own way, shame rarely leads to lasting healing. Healing often begins not when we become “better”, but when we begin treating ourselves with the kindness we’ve deserved all along.
When should I practice self-compassion?
Research shows that even 20 seconds of practicing self-compassion can make a difference. Practicing as regularly as you can will add up.
Self-compassion is especially helpful when you've made a mistake, feel like you're not enough, are comparing yourself to others, or notice your inner critic getting louder. It's also important during grief, trauma recovery, anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, and times of uncertainty.
Like any skill, self-compassion becomes easier with practice. At first, it may feel uncomfortable, awkward, or even undeserved, especially if you've spent years being hard on yourself or have lived with a critical person. You don't have to believe every kind thing you say to yourself right away. Simply practicing a different way of responding can begin to create new patterns over time.
Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
Use the button to choose one self-compassion practice to try.
Self-Compassion Tools
Today's Practice
As you try this practice, notice what comes up in your thoughts, body, or emotions. Self-compassion can feel comforting, awkward, unfamiliar, or even difficult at first. Whatever you notice is okay. The goal is to practice responding to yourself with a little more kindness and curiosity.
Compassionate Self-Talk
How we talk to ourselves matters. If your inner voice is often negative, this can increase shame and make it more difficult to get through challenging situations. Notice how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling, then try replacing negative self-talk with one of the following:
- What would I say to someone I love if they were going through this?
- Replace “I should have...” with “I wish things had gone differently, and I’m learning.”
- I’m doing the best I can with what I know right now.
Show More Compassionate Self-Talk
- I’m not failing, I’m doing something that’s really hard.
- Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” ask, “Why am I feeling this way?”
- I can be kind to myself, even if I’m not perfect.
- Making mistakes is part of being human.
- Right now, I need...
- I don’t have to do anything to earn kindness from myself.
Offer Yourself Kindness
Self-compassion is also about how you care for yourself. Small acts of kindness can send your nervous system the message that you are worthy of care, comfort, and attention, especially during difficult moments.
- Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly.
- Wrap yourself in a soft blanket.
- Make yourself a warm drink and drink it mindfully.
Show More Ways to Offer Yourself Kindness
- Light a candle, if safe.
- Take a warm shower or bath. Bonus: use your favorite products.
- Spend five minutes doing something comforting without guilt.
- Listen to music that feels soothing.
- Rest without trying to earn it.
- Give yourself permission to take a break.
- Reflect on self-compassion related journaling prompts.
Celebrate Yourself
You do hard things every day that often go unnoticed. Can you give yourself permission to recognize those moments?
- Write down one thing you handled well today.
- Celebrate effort instead of perfection.
- Notice one strength you used today.
Show More Ways to Celebrate Yourself
- Acknowledge that you tried, even though it was hard.
- Reflect on how you've grown over the past year.
- Keep a list of compliments you've received.
- Acknowledge one brave thing you did today.
- Recognize one boundary you honored.
- Notice one small win, no matter how small.
Parts-Based Curiosity
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), a part is simply a different aspect of your personality or inner experience. We all have parts. They develop throughout our lives to help us navigate challenges, relationships, emotions, and difficult experiences. They may show up as emotions, thoughts, behaviors, patterns, or body sensations.
This section may be difficult to practice on your own. I'm happy to help you explore these questions during therapy.
- What part of me is showing up right now?
- What is this part trying to protect me from?
- What part of me is feeling this emotion?
Show More Parts-Based Reflection Questions
- When do I remember feeling this same feeling for the first time?
- What is this part afraid would happen if it didn't respond this way?
- What does this part need from me today?
- Can I thank this part for trying to help?
- Does another part have a different perspective?
- Can I notice this feeling without becoming consumed by it?
- What would happen if I listened instead of trying to fix this part?
Learn More About Self-Compassion
The ideas on this page are informed by research and therapeutic approaches including Internal Family Systems (IFS), self-compassion research, mindfulness, and trauma-informed care. If you'd like to explore these ideas further, ask me during our next session or consider reading the work of Kristin Neff, Richard Schwartz, Janina Fisher, and other leaders in these approaches.